News from Chainy-Lakes
Bill and Mary Thompson wish to publicly thank everyone who helped out during last week’s late-season blizzard. Mary was about to have their first baby when they got up to find a five and a half foot snow drift blocking the entrance to Biddle’s Mobile Home Park. They couldn’t drive out and an ambulance couldn’t get in. Bill (Shorty) Thompson immediately grabbed his shovel and attacked that snow like a bulldog after a mailman.
Folks on the other side of the drift could only see the top of Shorty’s head bobbing up and down above the snow. That and puffs of snow flying in the air like billows of smoke out of a steam locomotive. Within minutes other neighbors joined in with their shovels to open the obstruction.
Mrs. Millie Farnsworth kept the men supplied with hot coffee while her cousin Agnes brought out cookies. In record time the drift was opened. Jack Dawson, another neighbor, threw two shovels into the back of his Jeep Cherokee and rushed the couple to the hospital, arriving in the nick of time. Mother and baby are doing well. (Little Crissy Thompson, seven pounds, twenty-two and half inches long).
That’s the way folks are here in Chainy-Lakes, always ready to help out someone in need. Maybe that would be a good lesson for national leaders. Instead of arguing about what’s good for the people, take time to get out and help shovel.
In other news, Paul and Miriam Ludquist reported that after fourteen years of entering contests, hoping to win a trip to exciting places like New York, Las Vegas or Paris, France, they finally won. Last week they received an official letter informing them that they had won a one week’s, all-expense paid trip to Bug Tussle, Arkansas.
Congratulations to Paul and Miriam Ludquist. Have a great vacation and let us know all about it for the Events column when you get back.
Bugged Travelers Return
As mentioned in last week’s news, Paul and Miriam Ludquist won a free trip to Bug Tussle, Arkansas. They are back, and Paul reported that they had a great time. They left their five children with Paul’s parents where the kids enjoyed Grandma’s home cooking, fishing in the farm pond and Grandpa’s stories around the fire about the early days in Chainy-Lakes.
While in Bug Tussle, Paul and Miriam stayed in the rustic Big Bug Inn. They enjoyed eating in the inn’s dining room where they were entertained by a local cowboy quartet, The Bugaroos.
Later in the week, they walked over to the town’s nursing home to watch the Thursday night, walker races.
Mrs. Ludquist stated that they had a very relaxing week, though there wasn’t much to do. She was heard to comment to her husband that she had a feeling she may be pregnant again.
Congratulations to Paul and Miriam Ludquist for a successful vacation. Remember, if you have any interesting news items, write or call in to, The Chainy-Lakes Truth: all the truth that’s fit to read.
Sighting of Bigfoot Playing Banjo
Monday morning Larry Langstrum reported that while fishing from his canoe on Lost Lake, he saw Bigfoot on the shore. He estimated that the creature was about eight feet tall and weighed as much as nine hundred pounds.
Though people occasionally report strange things in the forest around Chainy-Lakes, few pay much attention to Mr. Langstrum, known as a local character who sees a lot of strange things on a regular basis. Some refer to him as Ludicrous Larry.
However, this report was particularly interesting in that Mr. Langstrum stated that the bigfoot was sitting on a log, playing the banjo. He further noted the beast was playing the instrument pretty well for an animal with no formal training.
On Tuesday, Albert Anderson called in to say that his great-grandfather, Calvin S. Anderson played the banjo while in the Civil War.
When asked what that had to do with Bigfoot, Anderson said he had inherited Calvin’s banjo and kept it hanging in his workshop. The day before Mr. Langstrum reported seeing the mysterious creature, the banjo was missing. Mr. Anderson went on to say that if anyone sees the monster carrying a banjo with the letters C. S. A. stamped on it, take it away from that critter and return it to Albert.
Wednesday morning Mrs. Millie Farnsworth called in to ask who would be idiot enough to try and take a banjo away from a nine-hundred-pound bigfoot?
Thursday five people called in to suggest that Larry Langstrum would be the most likely candidate for the job.
So, if any of you see Bigfoot with a banjo, do what you think best. Do, however, call this newspaper so we can send out a reporter and cameraman.
Bigfoot Banjo Returned
Last week Larry Langstrum reported seeing Bigfoot playing a banjo on the shore of Lost Lake. The next day, Albert Anderson stated that someone or something had stolen his great grandfather’s banjo. Anderson went on to request that anyone who sees Bigfoot with his heirloom should try to take it away from the creature and return it to its rightful owner.
Yesterday morning Mr. Anderson went into his workshop and discovered that the banjo had been returned and replaced in its original position on the wall. No one has come forward to take credit for the return.
This morning Mister Larry Langstrum called in to declare that, at last, we have solid evidence. Bigfoot does read the newspaper.
No News is Good News
Today, in Chainy-Lakes, nothing happened. Nothing unusual or terrible or spectacular.
Maybe that’s okay. Just think how refreshing it would be if all the national newscasters announced one day that nothing happened anywhere in the world. No terrorist attacks, no airplane disasters, no robberies.
Oh, wait, there was one thing. Kenny Jokeham, who sometimes contributes to the humor column, called in to complain about the internet. He stated that the internet has become too invasive in every aspect of our lives. He was frustrated that ever since he started to manage our local exotic bird sanctuary that he has to go onto the internet to check his emus.
Is a complaint posted on the internet a “bitter twitter”?
Have a good day.
Traffic Rage Hits Rural Town
Tuesday, Officer Riggs Miller was called to a jam at the traffic light at the corners of Main and Jefferson Streets in Chainy-Lakes. (It’s the only stoplight in town.) At the center of all the conflict was a man standing outside his car, yelling at other drivers with improper language and gestures.
The officer noticed that the back bumper of the vehicle was covered with bumper stickers stating, “Jesus Loves You” and, “God is love”. Miller then checked the registration, suspecting the car was stolen. It did belong to the man. So, after clearing the traffic, Miller took the man aside and gave a brief lecture on, “practicing what you preach.” He then gave the driver a ticket for breaking a local law, DWO. . . Driving While Obnoxious.
News gathering begins before light in Chainy-Lakes. But nothing begins before I get my coffee. Our head secretary Sadie McGinty likes to bug me every morning as I come in by asking, “Well, what do you think, Dan?”
Somehow it always catches me off guard. I fumble around for an answer but can find none. I have not had my coffee, yet. I have no thoughts whatsoever. She always chuckles at me.
This morning I decided to turn the tables on her. I got up early and just thought for an hour.
I hardly had my coat off when she asked, “Well, what do you think, Dan?”
“Well, Sadie, I’m glad you asked,” I said with my perkiest smile. Reporters’ and secretaries’ heads turned.
“What if former President Obama decided to retire from public office? For a nice climate moved to the Bahamas? Then he took up farming and raised animals like cows and chickens. Maybe some more exotic creatures like alpacas, llamas and emus?
Sadie eyed me suspiciously.
“Now, suppose one of his llamas had a baby. Did you ever stop to think that, historically, it would be the very first Obama Bahama momma llama?”
Sadie doesn’t ask me what I think anymore.
Chainy-Lakes News: May 12
Convoluted Conversation in Coffee Shop
Yesterday, I was having coffee with our humor writer Kenny Jokeham at the Moose Poop café. (The restaurant was name after a popular dessert that contains a secret ingredient.) Out of the blue, Kenny suddenly asked me, “Have you heard what ducks do when they get a year older?”
I admitted that I had not.
Kenny continued with a twinkle in his eye. “All the other ducks gather around and sing, ‘Happy Bird Day!’” He proceeded to laugh heartily as I set my cup on the table and groaned.
He huffed and said, “You think that was bad? I heard about the one you told your secretary Sadie last week about the llama. So, Dan, what do you think about that?”
I calmly took a sip of my coffee before setting my cup back down. “Well, Kenny, I’m glad you asked me. I’ve been thinking. Suppose the government decided to create department just to regulate and make sure that horses trained for running the Kentucky Derby were only fed all organic grains with no artificial ingredients or additives and highly filtered water. Would they call it the Department of Natural Racehorses?”
Now, Kenny groaned and left the table. (He paid for my coffee, though.)
Scientist Makes Strange Discovery
Doctor James Farmsworth, professor of Palientology at Taylorville University and former resident of Chainy-Lakes, spoke at our high school Monday night. Professor Farmsworth just returned from an expedition to Africa where he and his team made an unusual discovery. The group unearthed a million-year-old, perfectly preserved ham.
Professor Farmsworth stated, “This is an amazing and historically significant find. For the first time we are able to prove the existence of jurasic pork.”
Fireworks Accident on Berry Street
Last night police and firefighters were called to the house of Jack Patterson, 15 West Berry Street at nine-thirty p.m. Apparently, Mr. Patterson found a leftover bottle rocket in his garage.
Patterson was later quoted as saying, “I just wanted to give everyone a surprise at out family reunion.” As the family was seated in lawn chairs for a cookout, Patterson stood at the far end of the yard and announced that they were going see something “spectacular”.
Reaching behind a bush, he lit the rocket. At first it soared up and away from the audience. Then it curved back toward the crowd. People began running for cover, knocking over chairs and benches on the way. Though, one witness stated that Patterson’s uncle, Albert Sutter, jumped clear over a lawn chair in fine Olympic form.
Mr. Patterson, it was noted, ran with exceptional speed. He kept his hands crossed over his head for protection, though, the rocket seemed to be aimed more at his posterior. In the last second he fell over a table face first into a pile of chocolate cake, the rocket just missing him by inches.
The thing proceeded into a small brush pile next to the garage where it exploded. The sparks caused a fire which frightened a rat to run out through the crowd, causing more commotion. Another witness stated that Jack’s mother Mrs. Opal Patterson, eighty-three, sprinted across the deck into the house without the use of her cane.
The fire was quickly put out by firemen and order was restored. Mr. Patterson was fined for lighting fireworks outside the Forth-of-July season and starting a fire in a no burn area of town. However, on the bright side, the Chainy-Lakes Sportsmen’s Club presented him with a certificate for being, “The Fastest Short Distance Runner in Chainy-Lakes”. Congratulations, Jack, from everyone here at the newspaper office.